Book Of Likes

Ever now and then I just sit outside in the rain and let it rain on me. No umbrella no nothing. It’s so therapeutic. Even better while being bare foot. #rain

Sometimes I hate having ADHD. After years of struggling with a love-hate relationship with chess, I'm quitting for my own good. I'm tired of working hard for 2-6 hours and dozens of moves to beat an opponent, only to throw away the game at the end because I forgot not to fall for a tactic that I already saw. It doesn't matter how good I am at openings, endgames, strategy, tactics, etc, if I keep making one move, game ending blunders because I'm too impulsive or literally just forget about things I've been analyzing. I've missed out on rating points and prize money many times because of this, but even worse is the way it makes me feel about myself when I play like that. I'm in the 93rd percentile of US tournament players and these kinds of unforced errors are ridiculous. I've tried therapy, sitting on my hands, mental notes, rules, reminders, etc, and although my attention span has improved, it's never going to be where it needs to be for me to play chess and fully enjoy it the way it's meant to be played.

If you know me, you know I do not go to the doctor. I don’t do check ups, I don’t take meds, I don’t do any of it. Today, I spent all day on the phone figuring out insurance and making appointments for myself that are very much needed. I take care of everyone in this household. I make appointments, but for 15+ years I’ve pushed ME to the back burner. I say all of this to say: Make sure to take care of YOU, too! You can’t be what everyone needs if you aren’t your best self and you can’t take care of everyone else if you’re not here. YOU matter and YOU are a priority, too!

Sometimes, I really do think our dreams tell us things..If not conveying a hidden message to yourself then maybe something that is to come in the future? I hope this isn't too disturbingly weird.

I received 2 gift-wrapped packages today from Target. They don’t have a sender, only my name. I’m saving them to open on Christmas! If you sent me gifts, I just want to say I appreciate you very much! I never expected anybody to buy me anything, but just know I am incredibly grateful