Any Tips On How To Get Him To Budge And Throw Things Away?
Any tips on how to get him to budge and throw things away?
Hey everyone, please help. My boyfriend / Fiance and I just moved in together and to my surprise he’s low key a hoarder. He hoards complete junk. We were going through a pile of things and he had these oil field well heads, old parts to previous vehicles he’s owned, ugly pillows, you get the picture-junk. He said it’ll be worth something some day. Yesterday he hesitated to put some car parts on the FB market place. I don’t like clutter and I’m highly organized. Any tips on how to get him to budge and throw things away? Perhaps I’m using the term hoarder loosely but he does have a lot of junk.
Answers (35)
Decide right now if you can live with this and worse. Love cannot fix this.
100% this. Either you can live with this forever, or just go ahead and move on now.It’s a mental illness issue and it will most likely never stop unless he recognizes it and gets help.
You should decide now if this is something you can live with and DO NOT feel bad for stepping away because YOUR mental health is important. If he’s not willing to acknowledge it, and you know it will bother you enough, that’s a sign.If you are just discovering this because you just moved in.... I would say you actually don’t know each other well enough to be living together.
My husband and I moved in together after a month of being together. There was plenty we didn’t realize about each other but we figured it out as a couple. There will be plenty of other challenges as they continue to cohabitate together. This is one of many. They will just have to work together to figure it out and saying things like, “you two aren’t ready” do literally nothing and are unnecessary.
it’s OK to disagree on this. Neither of us know their actual circumstances.
It is actually helpful to make a comment like that. Lots of people feel like they have no choice when making life decisions. Perhaps nobody else has told her that it’s OK to not feel comfortable with living with him when he is like that, but now she feels stuck.
Any number of scenarios are possible.Me and my husband, when he was my boyfriend fell head over heals for each other instantly and moved in together quickly. It was kinda crazy lol but I ma very scatterbrained, forgetful, and spazzy. He helps me be more responsible with money spending, also with putting things away etc. It was frustrating at first but he's made me better.
Women want their man to change, while men want their women to stay the same ... If the hoarding bothers you learn to live with it or learn to live without him ... Sounds harsh but ..... It's your life and you asked.
- By Jake Frost
May be an image of 1 person and text that says 'There are two ways to get enough. One is to continue to accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less. G.K. Chesterton.
Id suggest a storage unit to save things that will eventually be worth money. That way you have you have your place to live and a place to hold onto the things that may have value. But more importantly, you are respecting your boyfriend and his ideas. Let him decide if saving things that that may be worth money eventually is worth paying money now to to store them. Let him decide which is more important To him.. There is no reason to get combative about all of this. He lived a certain way prior prior to the two of you deciding to co-habitate and it may just take some time for him to get used to being organized and for you to genuinely understand you are living with a tinkerer. It can be done.
I don’t think you really get to decide what he throws away. There is stuff you own that he probably sees as junk as well.
My brother has a lot of stuff, I see as “junk” but it’s his and it’s not junk to him. He knows when to sell car parts, knows when to buy and honestly that “junk” has saved us money several times with what he can create out of it.I agree with you. Just cause someone doesn't understand the value or what it means to someone else doesn't give them the right for control of it. If ya love someone why try to change them. It's a whole package of good and bad.
- By Marley Rose
One mans junk is another mans treasure.
Someday he will get a garage to put it in.
And if he knows how to “fix” stuff he is a keeper…..! He will not change. Your expectations have to be lowered at this point now that you have already moved in.
- By Salma Hayek
Junk is subjective. Just because it doesn't hold value for you, doesn't mean it doesn't for him. Define your spaces and allow him to have whatever he wants within his spaces' boundary. Once it begins overflowing, then discuss the problem by reminding him of both of your agreeing to stay within it.
If this is a deal breaker for you leave now instead of investing years of your life that you'll never get back.
- By Mary Power
Okay...if you are just kinda teasing about the “low-key hoarding” just deal with it and also help him with his low key hoard and he can have his designated messy man cave somewhere you don’t have to ever see! If it’s serious then most of the posts about it being a mental illness are true...He’s your boyfriend...not your husband. Is this the life you want?
Run. Fast, This happened with my ex girlfriend. It gets worse and worse. I left 4 years ago and have never felt so free (it is a horrible desease) Excuse my French.
You are so right. Hoarders only get worse and you must stay and help him to get thru.
Why do you expect him to conform to your lifestyle? Relationships are about compromise and you don't seem to know how to do that. Let him keep his treasures. Is he asking you to get rid any of your stuff?- By Beth Graham
My ex-husband was like that, and now my new boyfriend is the same way. It doesn’t bother me that much. It’s something I decided I just had to accept about him without judgement, which was easy because I loved him.
People don’t change. And you shouldn’t want to try to change them either, because then they aren’t being themselves.
And if they aren’t themselves because they changed to be a different person for you, is it really love?
If it’s truly a mental health situation he should seek therapy, but there’s still no guarantee that therapy will work, or that your relationship will survive therapy.
I think instead of trying to change him, you either accept him for who he is or let him find someone who does, and you can find someone who is more compatible with your lifestyle. - By Suzy Q
Been there, honestly though, do your own thing and try and leave his alone. Its HIS junk, keep your stuff and corners clean and organized and let him be HIM, the most effective way is keeping your stuff how you like it and leave his be. He will notice and when he is ready he will ask for your help, I know it must be disturbing but try and leave it be and look more for compromise and not flat out "my way or the highway cause it bothers me".
- By Kelley Jakle
It really depends how bad his hoarding tendency is. If he can keep it just at the garage or a designated space then it’s fine. Everyone can accept that. But I know people who hoard things out of control, till there’s literally no room to walk.
Right, there is clinical levels of hoarding, but 90 percent of the time what we call hoarding is just stuff people collect and it's just messy and they want to clean it up which is OK but if you are moving into someone else's place then there is still boundaries, and way calmer and less aggressive approaches. Like others mentioned here, she probably has stuff he considered too much or hoarding junk as well but doesn't let it bother him since its about her being there with him and not trying to change someone. There is ways to "fox" things like this with compromise and some simple asking and listening and a suggestion here and there. True hoarding at his age ,she would've said no room to even breathe in there, just sounds like its a typical man cave and messy with stuff he leaves around while working on things and just hasn't felt the NEED to clean it all up.
- By Khloe Jones
Not understanding how you got to a move in together point without seeing some of this. Some car parts are worth a lot of money (some not) it is junk in your eyes not his. Judging and Making him get rid of your perceived junk and ugly stuff as your wish will not change behaviors. It will generate animosity and anxiety. Perhaps he doesn’t like some things about your organization skills .
He's right about the mechanical items,the old pillows, not so much.
That’s what the man cave is for. Let him have the basement, garage or a shed.
My dad was / is a hoarder, hoarders don’t change, it is a mental health issue, like ptsd or something, there is no cure, some times they find ways to manage it but that is very rare and almost always have a relapse. When my parents were together my mom gave him the garage but it slowly took over the house and she eventually divorced him.I'm my experience relationships don't last if you make the other person change.
Probable if possible, give him his own space for his junk - garage, basement etc. Then let him keep whatever as long as it stays there. Maybe that will keep you both happy? Good luck!- By Bailey Rose
You legit just moved in together. Leave it alone. It’s his house too.
It's going to be a real struggle living with a hoarderer. This will never change and they do this wherever they go. You've got to decide if you can handle this - By Snoop Lion
I must totally agree, because that happened to a friend of mine.
You legit just moved in together.
Leave it alone.
It’s his house too. Look up chronic disorganization. He might not be a person who hoards but he might deal with a level of chronic disorganization. Hoarding is a formal diagnosis or symptom of a diagnosis. Unfortunately, many never get the diagnosis so they don't end up with the help that could tip the scales and make a positive difference. I work with people that hoard on the non medical side.
Disorganization can also be someone with ADHD. I’m organized but it’s in piles from my projects to declutter and reorganize- I start stuff and never finish in a timely manner. It’s not easy living with ADHD inattentive type lol. I know that pilling stuff over stuff is wrong and I still keep doing it with the hope of finding each item when i mostly need it in the near future.
Good luck, this is were compromise comes in. If selling it now doesn’t satisfy him then he’s in for the long haul I deal with it with my lady 16 years, but she had the house and I throw everything in the garage like that either in the garage or garbage. It drives me insane but I just gave her a considerable area.
You cannot change him- my ex was like this. We never used the garage b/c it was always full of tools and materials from previous projects. I always went around the house finding a place for his stuff. He was a good man otherwise but this part of him won't change ever.
- By Tara Dahoe
Good luck. My mom had me and have 3 sons (2 are young adults) and a husband. 3 out of the 4 are like this. Not really hoarding just things I would have no use for. Occasionally they'll go through it and purge. In the meantime I just shut the door and walk away. Out of site out of mind.
I learned a long time ago , not to clean my kids rooms up..hopefully they will learn
My younger son is cluttered too, but he's going off to.college next month .. Hopefully he is able of decluttering before hand